YGO Answering Machine Chaos
by TheFemalePharaoh
Summary: NEVER let the following people leave ANY messages on ANY answering machine or voice mail: YAMI, BAKURA, SETH, MARIK AND SHADI.
1. Yuugi Mutou's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos!

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPTRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

Chapter One: Yuugi Mutou's Answering Machine 

(BEEP)

"Hello. This is Yuugi and I am not near the phone right now. Please leave a name, time of call, phone number and message after the beep and I will get with you soon. Have a great day! Ja ne!"

(BEEP)

Yuugi decided to check his messages after he got home from school before going to work with his grandfather in the Game Shop. (A/N: Oh, that poor baby! XD)

* * *

1st New Message…Today….10:12 a.m. 

"YUUGI! This is Yami and I need your help! I am dueling Kaiba and he is WINNING! Yuugi, I can't hold out much longer. I need you to come down here to tell me to believe in the heart of the cards or some shit you keep saying to psych me out."

(Kaiba in the Background)

"Stop your whining, you bastard, so I can mop up the floor with you.

(Yami pleads)

YUUGI! SAVE ME! PLEASE!

(Joey also in the background)

"Yami, can't you just use your mind-link thing to call him?"

(Yami laughs nervously)

E-Heh-heh. OH, yeah, I forgot all about that, Joey, thanks. Yuugi, disregard this message!

(BEEP)

* * *

Yuugi: (OO) What in the hell…?

* * *

2nd Message…Today…10:25 a.m. 

"Yuugi, this is Yami again. I beat that bastard, Kaiba, and I could not have done it without the heart of the cards. Thank you, Aibou!"

(Kaiba screaming in the background)

"YOU CHEATING-ASS SON OF A BITCH! I DEMAND A DO-OVER! HOW DARE YOU USE SHADOW MAGIC TO DISASSBLE MY ULTIMATE BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON! I WILL DISASSEMBLE YOUR ASS WHEN I CATCH YOU!"

(Yami) YUUGI! HELP MEEEE- (BEEP!)

* * *

Yuugi: (OO) What the-?! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DO NOT WANNA KNOW!

* * *

3RD Message…Today…10:41 a.m. 

"Shrimp, this is your friendly, neighborhood Tomb Robber speaking on this 'ass-swearing' machine. I have a message for you to give to that baka Pharaoh: (clears throat) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Did you get that, shrimp?"

(Ryou in the background)

"Bakura! You baka! Leave them alone! I should have NEVER taught you to use the phone, let alone leave messages! DO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN! If you do, Bakura, I will make sure you suffer a punishment you fear most…..WATCHING TELETUBBIES AND BARNEY ALL NIGHT INSTEAD OF SEX!"

(Bakura) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ryou, why?! OK! OK! OK! Forget that message, shrimp….uh, Yuugi! (BEEP!)

* * *

Yuugi: That was….interesting. Interesting, but disturbing.

* * *

4th Message…today…11:10 a.m. 

"Greetings, you defective copy of the Pharaoh. I am Marik and I have a message I wish for you to pass along a message to His Royal Short-ness. Here is the message: I WILL GET ALL SEVEN MILLENNUIM ITEMS AND I WILL RULE THE WORLD AS TRHE NEW PHARAOH! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Is your pea-sized brain capable of reciting that message, you insect? HUH?! IS IT?!

(Malik comes into the background after hearing the 'message')

YOU IDIOT! I am _trying_ to convince Yuugi and his friends that you are somewhat harmless, but are you helping? **_HELL NO_**!

(Marik pouts)

Awwww, but Hikari-pretty….

(Malik blushed)

Do NOT call me that…at least not in front of others, ok? (Gets phone) Yuugi, this is Malik. I am _so_ sorry that this dumb ass is trying to take over the world AGAIN even though no one is really listening to this bullshit! I catch ya later ok? (pauses) MARIK! NO! WE DON'T PUT MR. COTTONTAIL IN THE RA-DAMNED MICROWAVE! (Marik whining in the background) But I'm hungry! (BEEP!)

* * *

Yuugi: (OO) Ewww. gross!I feel sick listening to that!

* * *

5th Message…Today…12:06 p.m. 

"Greetings, Pharaoh's beloved. This is Shadi. (hic) I am planning on having a (hic) party and you are all invited, of course. (Yuugi hears pouring and drinking sounds in the background) I decided to buy 15 bottles of sake and bourbon to get this party started (hic). This is my first time drinking alcoholic beverages…

(Ishizu walks in)

"UNLESS YOU WANT TO SLEEP OUTSIDE IN THE BACKYARD, IT WILL ALSO BE YOUR _LAST TIME_ DRINKING THAT! IS THAT CLEAR?!"

Shadi: Yes, ma'am.

(Ishizu gets the phone)

"My apologies, young one. Shadi can't hold liquor for shit and if he throws up on my brand new Egyptian sofa, I WILL DROWN HIS DRUNK ASS IN THE RA-DAMNED TOILET! Oh, sorry about that. (BEEP!)

* * *

Yuugi: (OO) Note to self: Keep ALL forms of booze AWAY from Shadi!

* * *

6th Message….Today….12:58 p.m. 

"Greetings to the lover of the Pharaoh, This is his Priest, Seth. I heard that Yami won in the duel against my lover, Seto, and I expected as much, seeing that, in my opinion, he can't duel worth a damn…

(Seto enters the room and heard what was said)

"HEY!"

(Seth blushed)

"Oops! You're here, heh-heh. How was your duel, honey? Did you win?

(Seto was pissed)

"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK, SEEING THAT I CAN'T. AS YOU PUT IT, 'DUEL WORTH A DAMN'! I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, SETH…RIGHT NOW!"

(Seth was quiet for a minute)

Seto: WELL?!

Seth: Here is how I can make it up to you, honey. (He whispers in Seto's ear. Seto grins lecherously)

Seto: REALLY now? Let's get to it!

Seth: Wait, love. First, I must finish this message I was leaving young Yuugi.

Seto: (grabs the phone) YUUGI, SETH AND I ARE GONNA BE BUSY FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS, SO FUCK OFF AND TELL THAT CHEATING ASS PHARAOH I SAID I WILL SEE HIS ASS IN HELL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Seth: (in the background) Oh, Seto…the whipped cream is melting on my hot body!

Seto: Here I come. Don't start witho- (BEEP! BEEP!)

* * *

Yuugi: (turning green) OMG! Yuck...gross! 

(Runs off to the bathroom to puke)

* * *

---End of messages for Yuugi Mutou--

* * *

So what do you all think? 

The next one will be Ryou.

Then Malik

Then Seto.

Finally, Ishizu.

PLEASE R/R!


	2. Ryou Bakura's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPTRIGHTED MATERIAL!

Thank you to all who reviewed!

* * *

Chapter Two: Ryou Bakura's Answering Machine

* * *

(BEEP) 

"Moshi-moshi, minna-sama. Thank you for calling the Bakura Residence, I am the man of the house, Ryou Bakura. I am frightfully sorry that I cannot chat with you at this point in time. However, if you would be a dear and leave me your name, telephone number and detailed message, I shall return your call at my earliest opportunity. Thanks again for calling the Bakura Residence and have a good day!"

(BEEP)

* * *

Ryou was checking his messages after getting out of the shower. He was listening to his messages as he was drying off and putting on his clothes for the day. (A/N: Ryou, you poor fish! XD)

* * *

1st New Message…Today….8:17 a.m. 

"RYOU! HELLO?! THIS IS BAKURA SPEAKING! I AM CALLING BECAUSE I GOT BUSTED STEALING CABLE FROM THE YAMAMOTOS HOUSE. THE POLICE SHOULD BE AT THE HOUSE TO DISCUSS THE FINE YOU HAVE TO PAY…SOMETHING LIKE $3,000.00. OH, I ALSO NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED JAIL. I CALLED YOU BY STEALING SOME WOMAN'S CELL PHONE."

(Duke, in the background, was in the same call as Bakura for male prostitution.)

"Bakura, just use your Millennium Ring to mind-link him, dumb ass!"

(Bakura) "SHUT THE HELL UP, FRUITY PEBBLES! Oh, Ryou, I will mind-link you. Forget I even called. (BEEP!)

* * *

Ryou: (OO) Whatever deity listening, I have a question: WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS DID I DO THAT WAS SO DAMNING THAT I HAD TO GET STUCK WITH BAKURA?!

* * *

2nd Message…Today…8:42 a.m. 

"Young Ryou, this is Yami speaking. I am calling because Yuugi says that the "heart of the cards" is just a sham to get me to duel for him. TELL HIM THAT IS NOT TRUE, RYOU! PLEASE TELL ME YOU BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE FUCKING CARDS!"

(Yuugi runs up to Yami)

"YAMI! I only said that because you told me that there was no such thing as Santa Claus! There IS a Santa Claus, Yami!"

(Yami was regretting this)

"Yuugi, I am so sorry I said that. I was not aware of your feelings for that Santa Crap."

"SANTA CLAUS, YAMI!"

(Yuugi runs off crying)

"YUUGI, COME BACK! Ryou, so sorry, but I gotta go! (BEEP!)

* * *

(RYOU) (oO) OOOOO….KAY?!

* * *

3RD Message…Today…9:02 a.m. 

"Yo, Snow White. Yeah I called you that. Your hair was the reason, but that isn't important now. This is the Marik-meister coming at ya. I need Bakura outta jail so we can take over the world. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

(Here comes Malik)

"RA-DAMNIT, YOU PSYCHO! I told you do not use the phone unless I was present in the room with you! You nearly gave the preacher guy a coronary!"

"But I was only pranking him, Hikari-pretty."

"MARIK! TELLING HIM THAT YOU WERE HIS DOCTOR AND THAT HE NEEDED TO GET A PENICILLIN SHOT BECAUSE HIS WIFE GAVE HIM GONORRHEA IS NOT FUNNY AND NEITHER WAS THE 'YOUR PORNO TAPES ARE OVERDUE'PRANK!"

"Malik, the man could be a closeted pervert for all we know. I was only doing my civil duty as a concerned citizen,

"YOU ARE FREAKING HOPELESS! (gets the phone) Ryou I am SO sorry about Marik. He doesn't know when to shut the hell up. Disregard this entire message. (BEEP!)

Ryou: (-.-) Why can't Malik just TAKE the phone out of the house?

* * *

4th Message…today…9:16 a.m.

* * *

"Greetings, beloved of the Tomb Thief.. This is Shadi. I have information that Bakura was incarcerated on theft charges. Please tell him that he now can add Pegasus' Millennium Eye to that list. Also tell him that id it is not returned to him when he is released, I WILL SET FIRE TO THAT ACID-BURNED HAIR HE LOVES SO MUCH!" 

(Ishizu walks in)

"SHADI! You are to be ashamed of yourself. Why do you insist on scarring Bakura's light? Bakura was the one the took the Eye-NOT RYOU! Hand me the phone…I shall deal with you later!"

Shadi: OK, OK!

(Ishizu gets the phone)

"Ryou, please excuse Shadi. He has another hangover form drinking too much. I hope he did not scar you too badly. I will talk to you soon. Goodbye. (BEEP!)

* * *

Ryou: (OO) I need to make a note to have Bakura give that Eye back and fast.

* * *

5th Message….Today….9:37 a.m.. 

"Well, hello there, young Ryou. This is Seth. I am wondering if you have heard form Yuugi. I wish to tell Yuugi that Seto wishes to apologize to Yami for his rude behavior earlier in their duel. SETO! APOLOGIZE THIS MINUTE!"

(Seto enters the room)

"NO!"

(Seth is pissed)

"NOW, SETO!"

(Now, Seto was pissed)

"I SAID NO, SETH! DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!"

(Seth was quiet)

Seto: WELL?! I AM WAITING!

Seth: Here are your choices…(a) APOLOGIZE NOW or (b) NO SEX OF ANY KIND FOR RA KNOWN HOW LONG!

Seto: WAIT! THAT IS NOT FAIR!

Seth: Whoever said life was? Now, what is your choice.

Seto: (grabs the phone) "Ryou, tell Yuugi to tell Yami I am sorry about my behavior earlier and I will not do that again. (to Seth) There! I did it. Where is the vibra-" (BEEP! BEEP!)

--END OF MESSAGES FOR RYOU BAKURA—

* * *

Ryou: (-.-') Oh, dear God! (feels sick)

* * *

So what do you all think of this one? 

The next one up will be Malik.

PLEASE R/R!


	3. Malik Ishtar's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPTRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

TO ALL WHO REVIEWED...THANKS!

* * *

Chapter Three: Malik Ishtar's Answering Machine

(BEEP)

"This is Malik Ishtar speaking. I am not in at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. I will call you back as soon as possible. Thank you."

(BEEP)

* * *

Malik just got back in from work, and decided to listen to his messages while eating dinner: (A/N: You poor, unfortunate soul XD)

* * *

1st New Message…Today….6:12 a.m. 

(in a sing-song voice) Oh, Hikari-pretty! It's your…uh, "Snuggle-Bunny" calling AND IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE MY PET NAME, YOU WILL BE SORRY!

(Tristan in the background laughing his heart out about the "Snuggle Bunny" comment)

SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU FREAK! Now, back to the reason I called. I wish for you to tell the Pharaoh I have a message for him: (clears throat) YOUR POWER IS MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you get that? Good. Now, I request that you serve Mr. Cottontail as dinner tonight. He should be done in about ten minutes."

* * *

Malik: (OO) WHAT THE…?! (runs into the kitchen and open the oven. Sure enough, he finds Mr. Cottontail roasting in a casserole pan-complete with vegetables) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (crying, he runs back to the phone to hear the rest of Marik's message)

* * *

Marik: (still ranting) Also, I would like to tell you my plans on taking over the world. 

(Tristan is in the background. You can hear him throwing up after he beard about Mr. Cottontail)

"YUCK! MARIK, YOU DEPRAVED BASTARD! If you would have use your MIND-LINK, you could have spared me this agony, you sick freak!"

Marik: Oh, get ready for the mind-link So sorry about Mr. Cottontail. (BEEP!)

* * *

Malik: (wiping his tears) WHEN HE GETS HOME , I AM _**SO**_ KICKIING HIS ASS AND THEN I AM KICKING HIS ASS **_OUT_**!

* * *

2nd Message…Today…7:00 a.m. 

"Malik, this is Bakura, Listen…I am sorry about hearing about Mr. Cottontail. So I am going to do the right thing….I AM GONNA STEAL A RABBIT OUT OF DOMINO'S PET SHOP AND GIVE IT TO YOU! I am a true friend, aren't I? I need you to bring the Millennium Rod so I can brainwash those buffoons that work there. I can get you a rabbit with no problem! It will be cake. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(enters Ryou)

NO! YOU WILL NOT DO ANYTHING OF THE SORT! IF YOU WANT TO GIVE MALIK ANOTHER RABBIT, THAT IS GREAT, BUT YOU ARE _**PAYING**_ FOR IT, NOT **_STEALING_** IT, YOU BAKA!

Bakura: But, Ryou…I can use the Millennium Rod to…

Ryou: NO! IF YOU RECALL, YAMI GAVE IT BACK TO SETH.

Bakura: YOU ARE ALWAYS RUINING MY FUN! (storms off)

Ryou: (on the phone): I am so sorry about your loss, Malik. We will get you another rabbit. Bakura will PAY for another one, not steal it. However, just between us: **_IF I WERE YOU, I WILL GUN DOWN THAT SADISTIC SON OF A BITCH AND THEN THROW HIS RA-DAMNED ASS OUT!_** (BEEP!)

* * *

Malik: (OO) Did…Ryou just…**_curse_**?

* * *

3RD Message…Today…7:09 a.m. 

"Malik, this is Yami. Listen, I am truly sorry about your loss and all. However I can make it right. Why go through the trouble of stealing a rabbit, as Bakura so stupidly suggested, when I can raise up Mr. Cottontail from the dead? However, he may look gross, but HE WILL BE ALIVE!!"

(Yuugi overhears and comes running )

"YAMI…NO! YOU ARE **_NOT_** WATCHING 'THE MUMMY' **_EVER AGAIN_**!

"But, Yuugi-"

"NO!"

(Yami storms off crying to his room)

(Yuugi gets the phone)

"Malik, we are indeed so sorry about your rabbit, Yami thinks that everything on TV is real. He watched 'The Mummy' too many times. I gotta go…knowing his dumb ass, he will actually TRY to bring SOMETHING dead back to life! Bye"! (BEEP!)

* * *

Malik: (-.-) Just what I need…_another_ demented yami on the loose!

* * *

4th Message…today…7:17 a.m. 

"Greetings, young Malik. This is Shadi. So sorry about the rabbit. If you would like, I can mix up a potion that will take care of that insufferable yami of yours. All I need from you is-

(Ishizu walks in on him)

"SHADI! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Shadi: But, my love, Malik needs this potion!

Ishizu: You and those Ra-damned Harry Potter books. I WILL BURN THOSE THINGS THE MINUTE I SEE THEM!

Shade: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs to save his books)

(Ishizu gets the phone)

"Malik, forgive Shadi, my brother. Every since he got those Harry Potter books, he thinks he can whip up any magical potion and that anyone would be daft enough to drink it. I must go. SHADI, GET OUT OF THE MEDICINE CABINET! Oh, so sorry about the rabbit. (BEEP!)

* * *

Malik: (OO) I think…no, that is alright. I do not need to.

* * *

5th Message….Today….7:37 a.m. 

"Hello, Malik. This is Seth. My condolences about your pet.I was most disturbed to hear of your plight-although why are you still with that psycho is a mystery in itself; more on him later. If you would like, you can use my Millennium Rod to bear Marik's ass."

Seto: NO!

Seth: But, honey-lips….

Seto: (turning red) DON'T call me that…and it is STILL NO!

Seth: Why not?!

Seto: That is assault and battery, Seth, and that is against the law.

Seth: How about if Malik uses the Rod to control Marik and make him buy him another rabbit?

Seto: That is acceptable. HOWEVER, if I ever find out that you gave Malik the Rod to beat Marik's ass, I will take it from him and shove it up YOUR ass…ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT?!

Seth: Yes, yes….(whispers) Bastard!

Seto: I heard that!

(Seth walks out the room and Seto gets the phone)

Seto: So sorry, Malik. I will buy you another rabbit or you can get the Rod to make that psycho buy you another; your choice. I really do not care. (BEEP! BEEP!)

--END OF MESSAGES FOR MALIK ISHTAR—

* * *

Malik: Well, gotta go pick up the Rod from Seth, (Grabs jacket and leaves)

* * *

The end of this one! 

Whatcha think?

Next Victim…SETO KAIBA!

PLEASE R/R!


	4. Seto Kaiba's Ansering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

THNAKS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS!

* * *

Chapter Four: Seto Kaiba's Answering Machine 

(BEEP)

"This is the residence of Seto Kaiba. In case you haven't figured it out yet, **_I AM SETO KAIBA_**! I don't have the time to waste on you at the moment. So, if you would leave your information, I **_MAY_** call you back. Otherwise, **_HANG THE HELL UP_**!"

(BEEP)

* * *

Kaiba was in his office at Kaiba Corp., meeting with important investors when he remembered he needed to check his voice mail. 

"Gentlemen, please wait while I check my messages. "

"Of course, Mr. Kaiba; we can wait", said one of the investors.

"Thank you. I will be but a moment." He decided to put it on loudspeaker, seeing that he had nothing to hide. (A/N: Bad move, Kaiba! XD)

* * *

The voice mail rang out: 

'You have seven new messages, Seto Kaiba.'

**'Message #1 was received today at 8:12 a.m. Here is your message:'**

"Hello, Seto, my love. It's me, Seth. Mokuba and I went to the Domino City Sweets Unlimited. I really do not know how to put this, love, but your brother ate all the M&Ms and was out of freaking control! He already forged your signature on your personal checks. Let's just say that you just made Yuugi, Yami, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, Joey, Tristan, Duke, Mai, Ishizu, Shadi, Odion, Rebecca, and even Solomon VERY happy this Christmas! You are out of the grand, punishing total of $15,000,000.00. Expect the gang to give you their thanks soon. Oh, I just LOVE all the thinkgs you bought me as well, See you at home, honey, I LOVE YOU!"

(Mokuba was in the background)

"Seth! Just mind-link him, you dummy!"

Seth: Oh, yeah. Get ready for a mind-link from me, Seto-baby! (BEEP!)

The investors were looking at Seto rather strangely. "Mr. Kaiba, sir? What is this 'mind-link'?"

Seto was slightly red. "Just a game we play, gentlemen. Nothing to worry about."

* * *

Meanwhile, the messages just kept on coming in: 

**'Message #2 was received today at 8:47 a.m. Here is your message:'**

KAIBA! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THIS IS YUUGI! THANKS FOR YOUR GENEROSITY! I NOW CAN BUY ANYTHING I WANT! I AN GOING TO GO TO TOYS "R" US! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THANK YOU AGAIN! (beep!)

"Wow, Kaiba-san. You definitely are a generous man", said another investor.

"Uh…yeah", Kaiba deadpanned. "_Mokuba is SO grounded when I get home_._"

* * *

_

**Message #3 was received today at 9:09 a.m. Here is your message:**

"Kaiba, this is Yami speaking. On behalf of Yuugi and myself, thank you for your monetary gift. Usually, I do not have shit to thank you for. However, you have been very giving this holiday season. I can not thank you enough for giving me _all three of your Blue-Eyes White Dragons as well as your Crush Virus Card_. These would be very helpful in my duels against you. Buh-bye now" . (BEEP!)

Seto looked like he was about to vomit when he heard that his RIVAL, Yami, has not only his Crush Card, but ALL THREE BEWDs!

"Please leave, gentlemen. We shall continue this at another time", Kaiba whispered.

"But, Kaiba-san-"

"DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEARING PROBLEM?! I SAID LEAVE, DAMN IT!", Kaiba roared. The men left immediately.

* * *

It took Kaiba one hour to calm down to listen to the rest of his messages. 

**'Message #4 was received today at 9:32 a.m. Here is your message:'**

"Ohayo gozaimasu, Kaiba-kun. This is Ryou Bakura. Bakura and I wish to thank you for your generous present that Mokuba said you wanted to give. I now can be able to pay off the mortgage on this house my father left me stuck with as well as get us a new car. Bakura bought every Dungeon & Dragon thing they had in the stores! Oh, Joey and the rest thank you as well. I must be going. Have a Merry Christmas, Kaiba-kun, and may God forever bless you." (BEEP!)

* * *

Kaiba was feeling very sick at this time. He decided to finish listening to the rest of the messages. 

**'Message #5 was received today at 10:17 a.m. Here is your message:'**

"This is Malik Ishtar. Thank you so much for your financial present. Now, I have bought myself a dog instead of another rabbit. I figure that Marik won't eat him, at least I hope not. By the way, I forgave Marik for cooking Mr. Cottontail. Well, after he begged me not to put him out and call the freaking cops, I did. Marik thanks you also..he as ALL the fresh camel and rabbit meat he wants (shudder). Anyway, THANKS!" (beep!)

Kaiba's eye was twitching about this time. He WILL deal with his brother when he gets home.

* * *

**"Message #6 was received today at 10:39 a.m. Here is tour message:'**

"This is Shadi leaving a message for the lover of the Priest. I thank you for your generosity, Now, I can buy MORE Harry Potter stuff! You just made my day!"

(Ishizu comes into the room)

"SHADI! BUY ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS HARRY POTTER'S FACE, NAME, OF _ASS _ON IT AND I SWEAR I WILL SEND YOU TO HOGWARTS!"

Shadi: (OO) Please, my love! Not THAAAAAT!!!

(Ishizu picks up the phone)

"My gratitude to you, Kaiba, for your present. Now I can but all the jewels I want, and from a jeweler this time, not that damn pawn shop up the street! Oh, yes, Odion also thanks you as well!" (BEEP!)

* * *

Kaiba is groaning at this time. He _**DEFINITELY**_ will punish Mokuba. 

Well, one more message to go.

'Message #7 was received today at 1:14 p.m. Here is your message:'

"THANK YOU, KAIBA-BOY! YOUR GRAND GIFT BOUGHT ME ALL THE FUNNY BUNNY VIDEOS, DVDs, POSTERS, APPAREL, AND WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR THAT I WANT! You truly are my beat friend! (BEEP!)

"You have no more messages at this time, Seto Kaiba."

* * *

After hearing Pegasus benefiting from Mokuba's sugar-high madness. Seto was at the breaking point. He cancelled all he meetings, went home early, and decided that he was really gonna ground Mokuba….**_FOR THE REST OF HIS NATURAL LIFE!

* * *

_**

Another one finished.

Whatcha think, guys?

My Next Victim will be….ISHIZU ISHTAR!

PLEASE R/R!


	5. Ishizu Ishtar's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPTRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

My Thanks To All Who Reviewed!

* * *

Chapter Four: Ishizu Ishtar's Answering Machine

(BEEP)

"You have reached the Ishtar residence. I am Ishizu, AS you can see, I am not here at the present time. I would appreciate a name, a number and a message. I will return your call soon. May Ra be with you."

(BEEP)

* * *

I shizu decided to check her messages while on break at work. (WHY?!)

* * *

Message #1:

"Ishizu, this is Shadi. I am calling to make sure that you will be ready for our date tonight at the movies. We can then, with your permission, 'get our freak on', as they saying goes. Remember to bring the negligee that has the Ankh on it." (BEEP!)

Ishizu: (blushing) O….kay?

* * *

Message #2:

"Ishizu, this is Yami. Please give you brother a message for me: IF I EVER CATCH HIS DEMENTED BOYFRIEND TRYING TO STEAL MY PUZZLE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY SHOVE THAT MILLENNIUM ROD…UP MARIK'S ASS!"

(Yuugi walks in)

"YAMI! THAT IS MEAN! YOU CAN'T GO AROUND THREATENING PEOPLE!"

Yami: But, Yuugi, Marik is trying to steal my Puzzle again! I saw that it was missing from my nightstand and I will not tolerate stealing!

Yuugi: (sighing) Yami, I took the Millennium Puzzle.

Yami: (OO) YUUGI! WHY?!

Yuugi: I was just polishing it, you baka! Here! (Yuugi threw the Puzzle at Yami and stalks out)

Yami: (OO) I am sorry to have bothered you, Ishizu. You may disregard that message! (BEEP!)

Ishizu: (-.-) That was NOT what quite expected, but I fear that the worse is yet to come.

* * *

Message #3:

"Yes, this is Ryou. Ishizu, I was wondering if you have any Splenda that I can use for my cake. I decided to make a Red Velvet cake for dessert for tonight. Feel free to come on by fi you would like."

(Enters Bakura)

"Ryou, I can _easily_ get you that, Ryou. You know I can."

(Ryou sighs)

"Bakura…let's try this again, shall we: **_I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE YOU TO GO TO THE MARKET TO STEAL ANYTHING_**! I refuse to tell anyone else that you were demented and were off your meds."

(Bakura groans)

"Killjoy. FINE! I will go over to Ishizu's and ask for the damned thing. While there, I can also inform Ishizu about _your_ thievery as well."

Ryou: (Confused) What thievery? I do not take what belongs to someone else. You know that!

Bakura: Oh, but you did! You stole something from ME!

Ryou: What did I steal from you?

Bakura (grinning lecherously) **_YOU STOLE MY VIRGINITY_**!

Ryou: (tomato-faced) W-W-WHAT THE-?! BAKURAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I COMING TO KICK YOUR ASS!

Bakura: Well, before you do, you forgot to do one thing…you forgot to hang up the phone, Ishizu's machine picked all of this up. (Bakura gets phone) Ishizu, your machine here recorded this entire conversation. Please fell free to use this as blackmail-against Ryou. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Ryou: (chasing Bakura) YOU SON OF A – (BEEP!)

Ishizu: (OO') Oh Ra. That will scar me for all of my lifetimes!

* * *

Message #4:

"Sister, this is Malik. I am So sorry, Ishizu, but I am afraid I have bad news. Marik and I were arrested for public indecency. He took lollipops for the children at the mall we were at, ate all of them, went sugar-high, and decide to go skinny dipping inside the mall's fountain. I had to go inside to get his ass out, but then he decided to strip off my clothes as well. We were both naked, well…I still had my boxers on. ANYWAY, we do not have nay money for bail. Please talk to Kaiba. Tell him we will pay him back when I get paid. "

(Marik in the background)

"Oh, Hikari-pretty. Why are we still sitting up here in this playpen that is called a jail cell? We need to get out and go to Bakura's so we can plot to overthrow the Pharaoh together!"

Malik: (slapping Marik) FIRST OF ALL…it is YOUR damned fault we're in here in the first place. SECOND…You're not going anywhere except to a damned PSYCHIATRIST! There has to be a special place in the nuthouse for psychos like you. THIRD…Where are we going to get money?

(Marik pulls out $25,000.00 in cash from his pants pocket)

Malik: (OO) Where did you get all that money? (looked at Marik warily) Who did you steal it from?!

Marik: I did not steal anything…that is Bakura's job. I just sold a piece of jewelry that was very valuable.

Malik: Did you sell anything of mine?!

Marik: No. I just sold something of no importance...just the Millennuim Necklace, that's all.

(Malik was about to piss on himself)

Malik: Y-y-y-you WHAT?! ISHIZU'S NECKLACE?!

Marik: I thought that we may need to money sooner or later.

Malik: I DO HAVE A JOB, YOU WHACK-JOB! (smacks Marik and gets the phone) Ishizu, I AM SO SORRY! THAT DAMNED PSYCHO SOLD YOUR NECKLACE! I WILL PAY TO GET IT BACK! (BEEP!)

Ishizu: (OO) MARIIIIKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! THAT IS IT! I AM KILLING YOUR THEIVING ASS!

* * *

Message #5:

"Lady Ishizu. This is Seth. I want you to tell Malik that his yami took my Millenniom Rod and I want it back!"

(Seto enters)

"What is wrong , Seth?"

Seth: My Rod has been stolen by that nutcase called Marik.

Seto: Well, what can he could do with that?

Seth: Let's see here... he COULD brainwash Mokuba into forging **_more_** checks from your account. (Seth gets another idea and speaks into the phone) On second though, Ishizu, just forget it. Just tell Marik to come by here so we can go a shopping spree. I need more clothes.

Seto: (pissed) SETH! If you suggest that psycho brainwashes my brother to steal from my account once again and I will find my foot so far up your ass, YOU WILL BE THROWING UP MY SHOELACES! ARE WE CLEAR? (BEEP!)

Ishizu: (Oo) Seth needs to leave town and Seto needs to close out his account!

* * *

--END OF MESSAGES FOR ISHIZU ISHTAR—

* * *

Well, How was that?

I think that the next victim should be…JOEY WHEELER!

Any suggestions on that?

I feel that this one sucked!

Please R/R!

Thanks!


	6. Joey Wheeler's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

My thanks to the following: 

Landi McClellan

Emiko 97

Pharaoh Felicia

Spirit of Evil

The-Insane-Lady-Vain

Haroko-and-Tsukiko 101225

Journey-Maker

The Shadow of Maatkare

Mystic Maker

Black Egyptian Dragon

Tomboy 601

Lord of Night of No Moon

2 Stupid

* * *

Chapter Six: Joey Wheeler's Answering Machine 

(BEEP)

"Hey! What's up, people. You have reached the handsome Joey Wheeler. I am so not here right now. Please leave yo' info. I'll get wit' cha' lata. PEACE."

(BEEP)

Joey was getting ready to go to the movies when he realized that he needed to check his messages.

"Well, let's see who called the Joe-meister!" said Joey. He dialed his voicemail to check it. (Da-da-duuunnnnn!)

* * *

Message #1:

* * *

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Joey! This is Yami.WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am having the time of my life here at the park with my Yuugi-wuugi! I just want to let you know I discovered a new source of sugar…COTTON CANDY! Yup, I had eaten sixteen bags and…oooohhh,shit! I feel sick!" 

(Yami drops the cell phone to try to run to the public restroom, but does not make it that far. There were screams in the background from the children)

(Yuugi picks up the cell)

"**YAMI! NO! NOT IN THE SANDBOX! OH EWWWW! YUCK! **(speaks into the phone) Sorry Joey. His dumb ass went and ate all that cotton candy, with candy apples and soda. Now, he got sick. Oh, gotta go, Joey. Bye.(pauses) "**NO! YAMI, NOT IN THE WATER FOUNTAIN**!" (BEEP!)

Joey: (turning green) Great, Now I feel sick!

* * *

Message #2:

* * *

"Dumb Blondie, this is Bakura. I just have to know the answer to this question, and ironically, YOU are the only one that can answer it: Does it hurt you when you think? MWAHAHAHAHA!" 

(Ryou calls from the kitchen)

"**BAKURA! STOP MAKING FUN OF JOEY**!" (grabs phone) "So sorry, Joey. Bakura's bored after I told him that he can't send police officers to the Shadow Realm. I must go for now. Bakura can't be left alone for long. (pauses) Bakura! What are you doing in the kitchen?!"

Bakura: (in the background) I am making Yami a special hamburger. I am using this special mixture called "Kibble's a Bitch" that I found in the cabinet.

Ryou: (OO) BAKURA! (1) That is pronounced "Kibbles 'n Bits". (2) That is the DOG FOOD I bought for Malik's dog. (3) You are not giving that to YAMI!

Bakura: Well, all the more reason to give it to him. HE IS A MANGY MUTT OF A KING! MUAHAHAHAHA! (runs out the door to the Kame Game Shop)

Ryou: NOOOOOO!! BAKURA GET YOUR ASS BACK HE- (BEEP!)

Joey: (XD) AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Poor Yami. Better yet, poor Ryou. He's stuck with THAT idiot of a yami. Oh, well…next message.

* * *

Message #3

* * *

"This is Marik, you puny mortal. I wonder if it hurts to be so damn stupid. Your brain is weak, JUST LIKE YOU AND YOUR BLOND HAIR. MWAHAHAHA!" 

(Enters Malik)

**"MARIK! CUT THE BULLSHIT NOW!"**

Marik: I was only calling him a dumb blond. No harm in that, right?"

Malik: YOU DUMB ASS! DID YOU FORGET WE'RE BLONDE AS WELL?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY…**_THAT I AM DUMB, TOO_**?!

Marik: No, no. WE are _not_ blond.

Malik: No, just _PLATINUM BLOND_…**_WHICH IS THE SAME DAMNED THING YOU TWIT_**!

Marik: Oh..yeah He-heh. I am so sorry for that, Hikari pretty.

Malik: Thank you…now **APOLOGIZE TO JOEY OR I WILL FIND YOUR PET TURKEY AND HAVE THANKSGIVING EARLY!**

Marik: (OO) NO! YOU WILL NOT TOUCH GOBBLEMEISTER! NO! NO! NO!

Malik: APOLOGIZE TO JOEY…NOW!

Marik: Fine. (speaks on the phone) I am so sorry, Joey…SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE A DUMB BLOND AND A DUMB MUTT!

Malik: **THAT IS IT, YOU DEPRAVED EXCUSE TO KEEP A GUN UNDER THE PILLOW AT NIGHT! WHERE IS THAT DAMNED BIRD?! WE'RE GONNA LIVE HIGH ON THE TURKEY!**

Marik: NOOOOOOO-(BEEP!)

Joey: (OO) Note to self: "Keep 9-1-1 on speed-dial and a .38 Smith & Wesson on me at all times!"

* * *

Message #4

* * *

"Joseph, this is Shadi. I have the most disturbing news. I have just witnessed a senseless murder. I need your help to find the killer. The killer goes by the name of Scar. Yeah, that is right, Scar. He murdered **_HIS OWN BROTHER, FOR RA' S SAKE_**! His brother's name was Mufasa and he left to morn him a wife names Zarabi and a son named Simba. We need to call John Walsh's show. I think it is called "America's Most Wanted". Hurry, Joseph. Time is of the essence!" 

(Ishizu walks in)

"SHADI! How many MORE times must I tell you…IT IS JUST A DAMNED CARTOON! HE IS NOT DEAD!"

Shadi: B-b-but I saw…

Ishizu: A CARTOON! THAT IS ALL! NOTHING MORE!

Shadi: Will Mufasa come back to life?

Ishizu: No, Shadi.

Shadi: (OO) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs off crying) MUUUUUFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ishizu: (gets phone) So Sorry, Joey. Shadi has yet to understand that "The Lion King" is just a cartoon! (pauses) Oh, great, NOW he wants to pay his respects to the late Mufasa, Idiot. Gotta go. (BEEP!)

Joey: That just did not happen…did it? Never mind, I'm betta off NOT knowin'!

* * *

Message #5

* * *

"This is Seto. I just wanted to thank you for last night at Motel 6. It was unforgettable. (Joey: WHAT THE-?!) I feel like a new man after such an intimate experience. I never knew how lovingly gentle you could be. Might I have more of you? I can never get enough of the handsome, sun-kissed Joey Wheeler." 

Joey: (OO)

(Seto walks in)

**"SETH! DID I JUST HEAR YOU IMPERSONATING... _ME_?!"**

Seth: Yeeeeeeeesssssssssss………….

Seto: **WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU MEAN " THANK YOU FOR LAST NIGHT?! WE NEVER DID A DAMNED THING BUT DUEL AND HE LOST! WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?! HUH?!**

Seth: E-heh-heh….Happy April Fools' Day?

Seto: I will show _you_ April Fools', you bastard, but first…(grabs phone) MUTT! You did NOT hear ANY of that! Seth was just being a complete ASS and pretended to be me. Now, hang up & go visit your girlfriend that was picked up by the Dog Catcher. I believe that the visiting hours at the pound are about over. Now, go down there and claim her before they put her to sleep. (to Seth) **GET YOUR PERPETRATING ASS BACK OVER HERE! I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS…MY FOOT!**

Seth: **AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-(BEEP!)**

Joey: Kaiba, you bastard! If I ever see you snobby ass, I'M **_SO_** KICKING IT! (runs to get Kaiba)

* * *

--END OF MESSAGES FOR JOEY WHEELER—

* * *

Well, How was that one, folks? 

The next one up for the proverbial chopping block is……….TRISTAN TAYLOR!

Any suggestions on that one?

Please R/R!

Thanks!


	7. Tristan Taylor's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

* * *

MY THANKS AGAIN FOR THE REVIEWS AND SUGGESTIONS!

* * *

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPTRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

Chapter Seven: Tristan Taylor's Answering Machine

* * *

(BEEP) 

"Hello, sexy ladies! Thank you for calling the Taylor Residence. I am your ever-so-sexy bishounen, Tristan. I am so sorry that I cannot talk to you fine babes right now; but if you would leave your name, address, e-mail, and all your numbers. I promise you I will contact you for a date or whatever you want. Until then, my pretties…CIAO!"(BEEP)

Tristan was checking his messages before he went to bed. (DUMMY!)

* * *

Message #1: 

"Uh, Tristan? You way wish to reconsider your choice of greetings, seeing that I am not female. This is Yami. You know, the Pharaoh. I really would change that message if I were you. You sounded desperate, or _are you_? One can never tell. Anyways, the reason I called was because Yuugi's party is in two weeks and you need to give him something. I would appreciate any gift you may give. That way, I don't have to buy one! HA! HA! You can get him that French Maid outfit. (pauses) Yes, **that** is what you should get him."

(Yuugi enters, and Yami drops the phone)

"Hell no, Yami! That is what **YOU** wanted to get me; and what did you mean "get him something so I won't have to"?! DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?!"

Yami: Yuugi, that is not what I meant at all! I was just making sure that Tristan gets you something, that's all.

Yuugi: LIAR! I HEARD YOU ! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU YAMI!

Yami: (panicking) Yuugi, you must believe me…I WAS ONLY KIDDING! I will get you something, I swear.

Yuugi: Well, okay….let's compromise.

Yami: Of course, Yuugi.

Yami: _If I do not get a decent gift from you for the party, **YOU WILL NOT GET ANY SEX FOR A WEEK**!_ (runs out the room)

Yami: YUUUUUUGIIIII! Damn! Tristan, I got to go. I gotta get to Chuck E. Cheese's for a gift certificate for Yuugi's gift.

(Yuugi re-enters)

Yuugi: HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM…EIGHT?!

Yami: Well, you kinda _look_ it, Yuugi. Damn! (slaps hand over mouth)_ Wrong answer, Pharaoh!_

Yuugi: (teary-eyed) **YOU BASTARD! THAT IS IT! NO SEX FOR A MONTH! WWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH**!!!! (runs off again)

Yami: Yuugi! YUUUUGGGGIIII!!!!!. I am SO sorry! I didn't mean it! (BEEP!)

Tristan: (OO) Sound like Yami is in the doghouse and getting ready to go to the Shadow Realm in a Military heartbeat!

* * *

Message #2: 

"Hey, Unicorn-head! This is Bakura speaking. I just want to let you know that I will be at the party for Pharaoh, Jr….uh, Yuugi. Ryou and I were asked to supply the beverages. Ryou will be making sherbet punch…but I will add my own touch: **JACK DANIELS KENTUCKY BOURBON! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"**

(Ryou walks in)

"Oh, Ra. BAKURA! Will you cut the crap? We are NOT spiking anything at the party. Remember, there will be minors there, you know. "

Bakura: The only two minors that will be there are Asshole II. and Pharaoh, Jr."

Ryou: (sighing loud) Their names are MOKUBA and YUUGI, and WE ALL are minors. NO BOOZE!

Bakura: Fine! Can I at least drink the mouthwash or rubbing alcohol there?

Ryou: (OO) BAKURA! THAT IS SICK!

Bakura: What? It was just a suggestion. (BEEP!)

Tristan: (-.-) O…kay. _Antoher_ whack-job yami that needs to be committed. Great.

* * *

Message #3 

"This is Marik, I must ask you a question, Pharaoh's ass-kisser: **_ARE YOU GETTING GREAT RECEPTION IN YOUR BRAIN? YOU SHOULD, WITH YOUR HAIR STYLED AS AN ANTENNA. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

(Here comes Malik)

"MARIK! I TOLD YOU ONCE: **_CUT THE BULLSHIT...NOW_**!"

Marik: I was just making sure that Needle-head here gets the point. HA! Get it? Needle-head? Point? AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kill myself with this!

Malik: If only you could, but I digress.

Marik: What was that?

Malik: Nothing.

Marik: Right. Well, what shall we do for this party for Mini-Pharaoh?.

Malik: His name is YUUGI and we're in charge of the food. We have to get some before we go to the party. We have to go get a party tray.

Marik: We can make a special sandwich for Mini-Pharaoh. It will be a special mixture of ham, cheese, bread, and GROWTH HORMONES! HE SURE AS HELL COULD GROWN A FEW MORE INCES SO HE COULD AT LEAST RIDE THE RIDES AT SIX FLAGS!

Malik: You are pathetic. Leave Yuugi alone!!

Marik: Yeah, yeah. Maybe we can at least inject the sandwich with the steroids that they use to plump up farm animals. THAT is what I call a present.

Malik: THAT IS IT! COME HERE! (crashes are heard) (BEEP!)

Tristan: (OO) If Marik is coming to the party, I am SO staying home tonight.

* * *

Message #4 

"Tristan, this is Shadi. I haved solved the murder of The Lion King. Now, we have another case to solve. I need your help. I saw an innocent man sent to this terrible place called Azkaban. His name is Sirius Black. He was framed for the murders of James and Lily Potter. They had a son to survive. His name is Harry-Harry Potter. He is in the Gryffindor House in Hogwarts. I need you to come with me to interrogate him, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger. They should have some clues to catching the REAL murderers, Peter Pettigrew and a Lord Vordemort, TRISTAN, WE MUST HURRY!"

(Ishizu walks in)

"Damn it Shadi. First The Lion King and now Harry Potter?! How many beers did you have tonight? Ten?!"

Shadi: Of course not, love. It was fifteen! I can hold my liquor well.

Ishizu: (OO) **_YOU ARE DEAD-ON-YOUR-FEET DRUNK_**!!

Shadi: I am?

Ishizu: Go take to our bed, Shadi. I will be there with some aspirin, black coffee, and the numbers to both 9-1-1 and Poison Control, just in case.

Shadi: Okay, love. I give up. (goes to bed)

Ishizu: (gets phone) I apologize, Tristan. Shadi once again had too many beers and needs to sleep this off, although he will have one hell of a hangover come morning. As a result of this, please inform the Pharaoh that we will not be able to make the party tonight. Thank you and good night. Have a great time for us. Oh, Odion says he will stay as well just in case something was to come up. (BEEP!)

Joey: First, Yami is in BIG trouble with Yuugi. Then, Bakura…I forgot. Then…oh, to hell with it!

* * *

Message #5 

"This is Seth, Tristan. I am sorry to say that Seto and I would not be able to attend the festivities. Something about Bakura robbing us blind while we are gone, I was told. "

(Seto in the background)

"Seth, tell then that I wish to give Yuugi a gift."

Seth: Oh? And what would that be, honey?

Seto: MY FOOR UP HIS ASS IF YAMI EVER COMES BACK OVER HERE! HE TRIED TO STEAL OUR ROD TO GIVE TO YUUGI!

Seth: Yami would never do that!

Seto: Oh? I have footage right here from the security camera. (video shows the pizza man for Mokuba, not Yami) WHAT THE HELL?! HE WAS RIGHT THERE! HE WAS!

Seth: (-.-)Lie down, Seto. I will get you some ice. You must have been either working too hard or drinking too much. Guess which one I think?

Seto: I AM NOT A DRUNK, SETH!!

Seth: Sure, you're not!

Seto: I'm warning you, Seth...(beep!)

Tristan: Gotta go. I have enough to scare the hell out of me for one lifetime!

* * *

--END OF MESSAGES FOR TRISTAN TAYLOR—

* * *

Well, How's that? 

The next one up for the proverbial chopping block is……….TEA GARDNER!

Suggestions?

Please R/R!

Thanks!


	8. Tea Gardner's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

* * *

THANKS, MY LOYAL REVIEWERS AND READERS!

* * *

Chapter Eight: Tea Gardner's Answering Machine 

(BEEP)

"HI EVERYONE! This is the popular Tea Garner! I am not in right now. I am trying our new friendship speeches for Yuugi and the rest. You know I would like to tell you something about friendship! Friendship is the key to exist. Friends are always welcome at every social event that I hold. I know that friendship can melt the coldest of hearts and cool the hottest of tempers. Friendship is everything and everything revolves around friendship! So, next time, try to take someone out for ice cream in the name of friendship! Love and friendship goes hand in hand. I guess you can call it "loving friendship" or "friendly love". SQUEEEEEE! That was so cute! Oh, leave your name, number and message. I will get back with you and explain what friendship means in more detail! Gotta go! BYE, MY PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE FRIENDS!"

(BEEP)

* * *

Tea was listening to her messages before going home from dance rehearsal. (A/N: Can we say "bad idea"? XD)

* * *

**_Message #1:_**

**"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………"**

(Yuugi enters)

**"YAMI?! WAKE UP!"**

Yami: (snorts) Wha-huh? What is it, Yuugi? I WILL SEND THEM TO THE SHADOW REALM!(Sennen Eye glows)

Yuugi: (sighs) Calm down, Yami. You just fell asleep.

Yami: (confused) I did? (Sennen Eye disappears)

Yuugi: (-.-)Yes, you did.

Yami: Oh. I was calling to tell Tea something, but I got really sleepy all of a sudden..

Yuugi: Well…you got her answering machine. Leave a message.

Yami: Oh. I forgot what I was gonna say. (to machine) Tea, please disregard this until I remember why I called. (BEEP!)

* * *

Tea: (OO) Okay?

* * *

**_Message #2:_**

"GAH! What the hell?! Raving freind-crap girl, go _find_ some friends who would actually listen to this crud without throwing up and stop boring us!"

(Ryou looks up from his book)

"Bakura. Just hang up the phone. You were only prank-calling anyway."

Bakura: Sure. (BEEP!)

* * *

Tea: Why would Bakura prank-call me? The Queen of Friendship?

* * *

Message #3: 

**"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……"**

(Here comes Malik)

"Wake up, Marik!"

Marik: I was not asleep, Malik

Malik: What were you dong then?

Marik: Showing this friendshit-fanatic _how boring her message is_.

Malik: You are pathetic.

Marik: You do not think it is boring?

Malik: I _know_ it is, but we do not tell people that, now do we?

Marik: You do realize the answering machine is still going?

Malik: (OO) Oh, crap! (to machine) So sorry about that, Tea. (BEEP!)

* * *

Tea: (cries) WHYYYY??? I am NOT boring and neither are my friendship speeches!

* * *

**_Message #4_**

**"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."** (snort) Huh? It's over? GREAT! This is Shadi. Just call back!

(Ishizu enters)

"Shadi, who was that?

Shadi: Tea's answering service.

Ishizu: Oh, ok then. Tell her hi.

Shadi: Tea, Ishizu said hello. Call back. (BEEP!)

* * *

Tea: Well, that was friendly.

* * *

**_Message #5_**

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..**

(Seth walks in)

"Seto? Wake up."

Seto: (snorts) Huh?

Seto: You went to sleep on the phone. That was rude, you know.

* * *

Tea: YAY, Seth! Tell that prick!

* * *

Seto: It was Tea's answering machine. She went on and on about friendship. 

Seth: Well, at least one good thing came from that, Love.

Seto: What would that be?

Seth: You do not need sleeping pills anymore. Just listen to her machine! See? Problem solved!

Seto: Hahahahaha! You are right! (To machine) Thanks, Gardner, Your bullshit _actually _serves a purpose. (BEEP!)

* * *

Tea: Gotta go! I must tell everyone about the awesome power of friendship! (leaves)

* * *

--END OF MESSAGES FOR TEA GARDNER— 

Well, How's that?

For the record? I like Tea...just not her frienship rants! They are ANNOYING!

* * *

The next poor, unfortunate soul is……….DUKE DEVLIN!

Any suggestions for that?

Please R/R!

Thanks!


	9. Duke Devlin's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

THANKS, MY LOYAL REVIEWERS AND READERS!

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Duke Devlin's Answering Machine**

* * *

(BEEP)

"Hello, and thank you for calling the ever-so-handsome and super sexy Duke Devlin! I am currently not available at this moment, so please leave all your info at the beep. I will get back with you ASAP! Thanks again, and much love to ya!"

(BEEP)

Duke decided to listen to his messages before turning in for the night. (A/N: Uh-Oh!)

* * *

_**Message #1:**_

"Duke, this is Yami speaking. I decided to call to tell you that if you EVER put Joey in that damned dog suit again..._I WILL HAVE RA KILL YOU INSTANTLY, SLIFER ROAST YOU, AND OBELISK EAT YOU ALIVE! SO SPEAKS THE PHARAOH! DO YOU HEAR ME, HUH?! DO YA?!"_

(Yuugi comes running in and grabs the phone from Yami)

"**YAMI, STOP SCARING DUKE!"**

Yami: (pouts) But-but, Yuugi Joey's humiliation demands to be avenged!(Sennen Eye glows)

Yuugi: (sighs) Yami, that happened YEARS ago, so give up the vigilante act already.

Yami: (Sennen Eye disappears) FINE, THEN YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO JOEY! (stomps out of the room)

Yuugi: (to machine) Duke, I am so sorry about that. Please excuse Yami. We ran out of coffee and he's going though caffeine withdrawal.

Yami: (from another room) I HEARD THAT, AIBOU!

Yuugi: Yami, either behave yourself or we're not going to the coffeehouse to buy you your Super-Dark Expresso Roast you love so much.

Yami: (running back into the room with car keys in hand) WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S GO! (BEEP!)

Duke: (OO) Poor Yuugi.

* * *

_**Message #2:**_

"Hello, Dice-Dice Baby! This is Bakura. I just called to say that I got you a spot on that talk show you like. The topic is _'Gender-confused people and why we hate them'_, so be sure you look even more of a slut than usual. Men tend to go for those types."

(Ryou walks in from the kitchen)

Ryou: (sighs) Bakura, what did I just tell you ten minutes ago?

Bakura: To stop harassing people on the phone.

Ryou: And what are you doing?

Bakura: Making fun of Duke. That does not count as harrassment.

Ryou: Yes, it does, Bakura, and I want you to apologize right now.

Bakura: Why do I have to-

Ryou: APOLOGIZE OR SLEEP ON THE COUCH! GOT IT?!

Bakura: Yeah, yeah. (to machine) Duke, I must apologize to you...I am so sorry that you can't decide what gener you will be tomorrow. Make up your mind already and BE A MAN, GIRL! (A/N: I got this quote from the fanfic entitled: _The Clothes Make The Siprit_.)

Ryou: BAKURA! COUCH!

Bakura: (OO) B-b-b-but Ryou, baby- (BEEP!)

Duke: Who in the hell does he think he is? What in the hell does Ryou see in that asshole?

* * *

**_Message #3:_**

"Duke Devlin, heed this call. This call is to serve as a warning. There is a new threat that lurks in the shadows. This thing loves to feast upon the sweet flesh of the gender challengedness of human, mainly you. This thing will hunt you down and swallow you whole. This creature comes from...THE SHADOW REALM! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

(Here comes Malik)

"MARIK! YOU ASSHOLE! STOP TERRORIZING DUKE!"

Marik: I was just playing with him, Malik, damn! Can I have some fun?

Malik: Not THAT kind of fun, you're not, you psycho!

Marik: I was just letting him know that he needs to decide if he is a man or a woman and stop batting for both teams,as it were..

Malik: You are hopeless.

Marik: Oh, come on, Hikari-pretty. Even you have to admit that he is genderly challenged.

Malik: I _know_ he is, but I will never admit that to him because, unlike you, I have tact and respect.

Marik: Well, my dear Malik, you so-called tact went straight to Hell and your so-called respect followed it, because you just admitted it all on this answering machine device that is recording as we speak.

Malik: (OO) Oh, shit! (to machine) Please forgive me, Duke. The Devil here made me do it!

Marik: You're lying, Malik!

Malik: Duke, I will come over to explain later on. (BEEP!)

Duke: (T.T) What did I do to deserve this?!

* * *

_**Message #4**_

"Duke Devlin, this is Shadi. I need your help in finding the lost Eighth Sennen Item."

(Ishizu enters)

Ishizu: Shadi, there is no eighth item; there were only seven. Why are you prank calling like that idiot my brother is dating?

Shadi: I am bored, my love. I need _something_ to keep my hands busy.

Ishizu: Well, let's look at this adult movie and it will give you several options to _keep your hands busy, if you know what I mean._ (winks at Shadi)

Shadi: (blushing hard) Well, in that case...(to machine) False alarm, Duke.Gotta go. Bye! (BEEP!)

Duke: Well, that was...a little too imformative.

* * *

_**Message #5**_

"Duke, this is Seth. I need your help in a litle situation here. I am trying to host a party for Seto, but I do not know what to get him for a gift."

(Seto walks in)

Seto: Seth, are you pranking again?

Seth: (snorts) Please, Seto. I am more mature than you give me credit for, you know.

Seto: What are you calling She-Man for, anyway?

Seth: SETO KAIBA! That was rude. I so happed to get the answering machine, the one that recorded your insult, by the way.

Seto: Dice Girl knows I do not give a darling damn what it thinks.

Seth: (sighs) Seto, Duke is not an 'it'.

Seto: Oh, come on, Seth. Even DUKE doesn't know what he is!

Seth: HE IS A MAN, YOU IDIOT!!

Seto: Oh, is he? What, did he flip a coin or draw straws to determine that?

Seth: You know what? FORGET THE DAMN PRESENT AND THE DAMN PARTY!

Seto: I didn't want them anyway!

Seth: Well, FORGET SEX IN ANY FORM TONIGHT AS WELL! (storms out the room)

Seto: (OO) Wait, Seth! I was just kidding! Come on, you don't mean that! (BEEP!)

Duke: Oh, well. Time for bed. I will deal with Kaiba's ass later. (sleeps)

* * *

**--END OF MESSAGES FOR DUKE DEVLIN—**

* * *

Well, How's that?

The next victim is……….MOKUBA KAIBA!

(My thanks to dahmerdeadgirl for this suggestion)

Any suggestions for that?

Please R/R!

Thanks!


	10. Mokuba Kaiba's Answering Machine

Title: Answering Machine Chaos

Authoress: THE FEMALE PHARAOH

Rated: T

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

THANKS, MY LOYAL REVIEWERS AND READERS!

* * *

**Chapter Nine: MOKUBA KAIBA'S ANSWERING MACHINE**

* * *

(BEEP)

"Hi, this is Mokuba. I am not here, so leave your message. BYE!"

(BEEP)

Mokuba was checking his messages while on lunch break at school. (A/N: Here comes punishment!)

_**Message #1:**_

"Mokuba, this is Yami. I just wanted to ask you a question: Why does your brother have a stick up his ass all the time? I mean come on, I understand his need for perfection, but he needs to get over himself. I AM THE PHARAOH AND HE WILL DO AS I SAY!"

(Yuugi sighs)

"Yami, leave Mokuba alone. He has nothing to do with Seto's behavior."

Yami: He is Kaiba's brother, Aibou. He knows that stuck-up bastard better than anyone else here. Besides that, I AM THE PHARAOH! He is supposed to do as I tell him!

Yuugi: (sighs) Yami, your reign ended FIVE THOUSAND FREAKIN' YEARS AGO! Give it up already.

Yami: Tell that defiant priest he shall pay for his insolence! (storms out the room)

Yuugi: (to machine) Mokuba, please forgive Yami. This is what happens when he doesn't get his way.

Yami: (from another room) THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE YUUGI WOULDN'T GIVE ME ANY LAST NIGHT!

Yuugi: (OO) YAMI! MOKUBA DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!

Yami: Oh, please, Yuugi. He lives with Seth and that asshole called Kaiba. He should be used to hearing that by now! (BEEP!)

Mokuba: (OO) I am scarred for life!

* * *

_**Message #2:**_

"Yo, rock star hair. This is Bakura. When are you gonna get your shit cut?! You look like a drugged out hippie!"

(Ryou was watching TV)

Ryou: (sighs) Bakura, leave Mokuba alone.

Bakura: Hsi hair needs to be cut!

Ryou: Why does it bother you?

Bakura: I am doing my duty as a concerned citizen.

Ryou: Concerned citizen, my foot. Bakura, you need to go get YOURS cut, while you're sitting here passing judgment on others.

Bakura: There is nothing wrong with my hair, Ryou.

Ryou: Nor is there naything wrong with Mokuba's. Now HANG UP THE DAMNED PHONE!

Bakura: Okay, okay, sheesh! (to machine) You know, kid, you could really use a hair cut. You do look like a drugged out-

Ryou: BAKURA! COUCH AGAIN!

Bakura: DAMN! (BEEP!)

Mokuba: He's one to talk, that jerk!

* * *

_**Message #3:**_

"Brother of the bastard known to all of us as Seto Kaiba. This is Marik and I just had to ask this question. Your hair...when are you gonna cut the shit?! You look like a dark version of Cousin Shit from The Addams Family!"

(Malik was reading a Shonen Jump Manga)

"MARIK! GET YOUR ASS OF THAT PHONE!"

Marik: What?! I was just telling that little troll that he looked like that thing off The Addams Family. You know..Cousin Shit.

Malik: You psycho! ONE...it's Cousin It, not Cousin Shit and TWO...before you talk about someone else's hair...CUT YOUR OWN CRAP FIRST!

Marik: What are you trying to say about my hair?!

Malik: Other than it would give Freddy Krueger nightmares on Elm Street? Nothing.

Marik: Fine, then YOU cut my hair then.

Malik: Sorry, I do not wish to cut my hands while trying to cut that razor blade collection you call YOUR hair.

Marik: Oooooohh, BUUUURN!

Malik: (sigh) Just apologize to Mokuba and hang up the damned phone.

Marik: I don't wanna.

Malik: (grabbing the phone) Mokuba, I am so sorry about Marik. Don't worry about him, I'm putting his ass on pills. (BEEP!)

Mokuba: (OO) Malik, that poor guy!

* * *

_**Message #4**_

"Young Mokuba, this is Shadi. Please inform your brother that I need to borrow the Sennen Rod for some research."

(Ishizu enters)

Ishizu: Shadi, whay are you calling the young one for such a thing?

Shadi: So he could pass the message onto Kaiba and Seth.

Ishizu: Well, here is a novel idea. Why don't you try calling Kaiba's home and tell him and Seth the same thing you are telling Mokuba? (DUH!)

Shadi: Well, very well...(to machine) Please disregard this message, young one. (BEEP!)

Mokuba: (-.-') Are ALL yamis this stupid, or just the ones here?

* * *

_**Message #5**_

"Mokie, this is Seth. I made an appointment for you to get your hair cut today at three."

(Seto enters from the restroom)

Seto: Seth, what are you doing?

Seth: Letting young Mokie know that he has an appointment at the barber's.

Seto: What for?

Seth: To trim that dark cloud of unruliness, also known to us as his hair.

Seto: Seth, that is not nice. There is nothing wrong with Mokie's hair.

Seth: You do know that you are going to Hell for lying, right?

Seto: Why would that be?

Seth: You remembered what you said about his hair earlier!

Seto: Oh, that? I was just kidding. He is my brother and I can do that.

Seth: SETO! YOU SAID THAT HIS HAIR LOOKED LIKE A RUN-OVER PORCUPINE!

Seto: WELL, YOU SAID MOKIE LOOKED LIKE A BLACK SHEEPDOG THAT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF HE HAS EYES!

Seth: Oh, really? Well, that is not what you said about Mokie's...OH SHIT! THE MACHINE RECORDED ALL THIS!

Seto: (OO) Wait, Seth! Erase it! Don't hang it up you dumbas-! (BEEP!)

* * *

Mokuba: Oh, I AM SO GETTING THOSE TWO BASTARDS WHEN I GET HOME! (goes back to eating lunch)

* * *

--END OF MESSAGES FOR MOKUBA KAIBA—

* * *

Well, How's that one, folks?

The next poor, unfortunate soul is……….MAXIMILLION PEGASUS!

(My thanks to TOMBOY601 for this suggestion)

Any suggestions for that?

Please R/R!

Thanks!

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